But for so many individuals trust is not
something that comes easily or automatically.
Although I have always meant it in jest, I have a saying when I’m
purchasing food from a fast food restaurant.
I REALLY don’t like onions.
So, after I get my burger I always say: “It’s not that I don’t trust you,
BUT I don’t trust you!” Then I pry open
the buns and examine the burger very closely.
Many times, I find ONE tiny onion that has tried to slip by
undetected, but I find it.
However,
on a more serious note, most of us take some situations of trust for
granted. We wouldn’t get into a cab, or on a train, or even fly in an airplane if we didn’t have some measure of trust
that the individual “in control” has taken their responsibilities very
seriously and will exercise all precautions to keep us safe.
Jeffry A. Simpson wrote: “Trust involves
the juxtaposition of people’s loftiest hopes and aspirations with their deepest
worries and fears.” This is often the
very reason we might have difficulties in trusting someone. The very idea of letting ourselves get so
close to someone as to put our highest hopes in them and yet also feeling that
perhaps we will suffer great disappointment by doing so often leaves us with
the inability to allow ourselves to develop the closeness that is needed to surrender
to them the trust that we should.
As written in a prior article online by
Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201403the-trouble-trust,
“This secure-base script, according to Mario Mikulincer and his colleagues, has
three components:
1.
The
assumption that if you need help, you can turn to someone you trust.
2.
The
assumption that if you need support, your close personal friend will be there for you
and happy to give it.
3.
The
recognition that you will be comforted and relieved by the support you’re
given.
However, as we grow within this human
society, we unfortunately discover that many times we are disappointed in our
so-called “support group.” Often those
very individuals who we feel will be there for us when a difficult situation
comes along, are NOT there! And
many times, it is these very ones who use our trusting characteristics to scam
or defraud us when we are only trying to be helpful.
When you learn, especially from an early
age, that others can’t be trusted, you lose confidence in the value of trust
all together. Trust is the first
emotional connection we make with people when we are children. You can understand this because as a small
child you are dependent upon others for everything that you need. Your mother is generally the one who provides
your comforts every moment you cry.
However, to be blunt: people are
either trustworthy or they are not! This
doesn’t necessarily mean that they are good or bad. It just means you can’t put your trust in
what they tell you or what they promise.
Your coming to have a lack of trust in people
may come about because of small things in the beginning. Things that people don’t mean to be doing that are making impressions on your mind.
The problem begins because many people have no problem in telling those “little
white lies”, (“Yes dear, there really is a Santa Clause!”) or maybe they start
by stretching the truth a little (“it really was the biggest fish I’d ever
seen.”), or they conveniently forget the facts (“I never said that!).
Those types of situations teach you that
people will twist the truth for their own selfish gains or to make themselves
look more important in the eyes of others.
You begin to realize that you can’t completely trust anything they say
and often have to question their very motives for the things they do. In the following article notice what you can use
to gauge the trustworthiness of people:
https://www.inc.com/thomas-koulopoulos/5-sure-ways-to-identify-untrustworthy-people.html
I quote as a summary from the above reference:
1.
They
lie to themselves. One of the most striking behaviors of untrustworthy
people is that they see themselves in ways that are simply inconsistent with
reality. For example, if someone
constantly describes herself as a quiet person who seeks harmony, while her
behavior is disruptive, arrogant, and confrontational, you’ve got a disconnect
that should immediately start to raise red flags of trustworthiness.
2.
They
project behaviors on you that are clearly not ones you are exhibiting.
People who are untrustworthy also have an amazingly consistent habit of
accusing others of behaviors that they themselves are exhibiting or are
contemplating.
3.
They
breach confidentiality. We all remember as kids swearing someone to
secrecy only to have them break the promise and then rationalize it by saying, “But
I only told one other person.” [Side
note: I once had an acquaintance who
would always make the statement: “I don’t have a problem keeping a secret. It’s the people I tell who have the problem.”] It’s easy to pick up this particular trait. Inevitably these people will share things with
you that you can tell were said to them in confidence by others.
4.
They
show a lack of empathy. This is perhaps the one shared behavior of
nearly every untrustworthy person. They
are able to rationalize being untrustworthy by diminishing the impact, pain,
damage, or inconvenience they cause others.
5.
Their
emotional state is volatile, and they have a pattern of inconsistency and fickleness
in their decisions. If trust is missing in a person’s formative years,
it creates uncertainty, doubt, and inconsistency that lingers over a person’s
entire lifetime of interactions.
You may find these five qualities within
someone that you personally know.
Remember you can’t really remove them from another person. However, if you note any (or all) these
qualities within yourself you can work on making yourself into a new person. You will become a better person for it. It won’t be easy, but most things worthwhile
are not easy. Don’t forget also, we’re
only human!
QUOTE TO CONSIDER
THOUGHTFUL GEM
"If you feel you can't trust anyone,
at least trust yourself!"
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